I have been so intensely disappointed with how we live our daily lives lately. Likely potentiated by Christmas, a season I used to revel in for its abundance and over-the-top attempts at spreading love and cheer. We never really accomplish this en masse. The experience always falls short of my expectations. I walk around this year feeling slightly numb. Observing toys and gifts and junk and stuff and plastic and I feel almost sick. I don’t want any of it. I want it to go away. Where there always had been snow for me at Christmas, now there is only ice.
The challenge to growth and change comes when you are faced with beating familiar habit back with a bat. Hand to hand combat with who I think I should be. How I should interact with the world around me. How I should work. How I should play. How I should exist. This last year has brought many internal battles, some lost in shock and others won in the throes of sobs of understanding. I find myself conflicted in feeling both release for shirking old weighted expectations and loss for what is familiar and gratifying. How do I reshape what I know, who I am and be content? The puzzle pieces fit together, yet the picture doesn’t make any sense.
I have a different yearning this winter season for revelation and simplicity. For purity and clean. My heart feels a bit broken and no one seems to have the right glue stocked on their shelves. I’m superficially hoping this could just be some form of seasonal affective disorder. SAD would be fitting… the rain in Vancouver has been oppressive this year. Yet this haunting feeling resounds deeper than that and I will need to dig deep and wide to find a way out. Feathers need to be rustled, boundaries need to be broken and I will have to force the solution into existence.
It’s so easy just to expect the world to change around us. So careless. So childish. I am tired of hate. I am tired of apathy. I am so very exhausted by greed.
I need more to sustain me. It all just feels like total bullshit and I see right through it this year. Throw some more glitter and varnish on it if you like, it will be all in vain. I’m not buying.
So, if anyone has any ideas, I am all ears. My feelers are out, I am on the lookout for love. I am frantic for some shred of hope because I decided to have children and I am desperate for a way to look them in the eyes and say “This is a good place and I am proud to show you around.” and do so with sincerity. For the joy and love in their hearts is still bright. Their eyes glimmering as if they play out their days inside a glittering snow globe. Floating. Light, soft and pure.